Who Am I?

Who am I but the dust of the Most High
Drifting like a leaf in the summer sky
Hoping one day you will see,
that what’s inside of you, 
is what’s inside of me.

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted. Even longer since I’ve written something. As per usual, life has had it’s fair share of ups and downs, changes and transitions. I’ve been taking time to process all of it, grounding myself in their lessons and working to build the most kick-ass toolbox to handle whatever life throws my way.

This past January, my world was absolutely rocked to it’s core. My grandmother, one of the women in my life that helped shape who I am today, crossed over the rainbow bridge to the eternal world of souls. To be perfectly honest, I have never in my life felt grief like that. Ever. I’ve lost loved ones and pets, but this was new. It was different. It was completely devestating. It’s only been six months since she passed and I still have not quite found a way to remember her without feeling like I am dying inside. I know it will come with time, maybe, so until then I have started to shift my focus to radical, determined, abundant, intensely loving self care. This blog will chronical my journey of healing.

I haven’t mentioned this much previously, mostly because I never truly knew what was going on, but I have been in daily pain for over 10 years. Throughout the years I’ve gone to various doctors for various issues, but none of them gave me a direct or correct answer. This daily pain is usually coupled with migraines, nausea, extreme coldness, and a bunch of other odd and interrelated symptoms. I finally got so fed up with it all that I decided to try one more time to go to the Doctor to get an answer. I felt like I had tried as many ways and ideas as possible to manage it all, but without knowing what it was, I was running out of options. This go-around I was in a completely different state, halway across the country. That should increase my odds of getting an answer, right? After a bit of debating (and even more procrastination) I scheduled my appointment with a new doctor. Fast forward to several visits later, a second opinion and a lot of connecting the dots an ah-ha’s, it was determined that I was dealing with Fibromyalgia. To be perfectly honest, at this point, I wasn’t that surprised. Suspicion or not, it was nice it finally have an answer. I also found out that my EBV (Epstein-Barr Virus) levels were a bit higher than the normal 15-30%, mine were just over 400%, answering the question I constantly asked myself: “Why am I SO tired?!”.

Armed with my answers, I went home to begin the intense and much needed work of releasing the guilt I had begun to shoulder trying to be “normal”. I started to create a self-care routine that would support and honour this body and life that I was given. I’m not ashamed to take naps or go to bed early. I make sure I am filling my body with healthy foods and ample H2O. I spend a lot of time meditating in my balcony garden, in fact, that’s where I am writing this right now. It’s heaven. Not only do I get to watch all my little plants and seedlings grow, but there are so many birds and butterflies and bunnies that play in the grass and trees here. My balcony garden helps me feel closer to my grandmother too, which is healing in its own way. Slowly I am learning how to love myself fully, how to say no, how to support who I am and where I am, right now, in this moment.

♥ xo


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